The Illimitable Ocean of Inexplicability

Month: February, 2015

In No Uncertain Terms: The Stinky Milk Chronicles

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Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; hold to that which is good.

-Romans 12:9

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In no uncertain terms, that’s exactly how I had long expressed my abhorrence of stinky milk when one morning (after a refreshing full night’s rest) I opened the (German made) refrigerator to find a carton of what could be that very substance staring me right in the face. Now, having had countless experiences similar to this in front of a wide variety of refrigerators in many far flung locales across this globe I was almost 99.9% sure the milk in that carton was going to stink to high heaven, but not being one to ‘fly off the handle’ without first ‘checking the facts’, I took the milk down carefully off the shelf (remembering a horrible incident with a glass milk bottle in Paris some years ago), its polythylene-coated¹ cardboard cold, almost icy, in my hand, and, after folding it open, took a good whiff. Unsurprisingly, as was once said of the Grinch, it stink, stank stunk! So horrendous was its stench (in fact) that I nearly dropped the carton to the floor and ran from the room repeating over and over, “Eww, eww, eww”, while holding my nose with one hand and waving at the air with the other as if the smell were rabid radioactive bats accidentally released from some former Soviet block country’s secret military laboratory. However, having had dealings with milk quite a bit stinkier than even this I merely set the carton down upon the sink and began yelling up the stairs for my assistant to come and dispose of it forthwith.

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Illustration of Stinky Milk

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¹¹ Wikipedia, who mostly can be trusted as far as one can throw an elephant, says “Polyethylene or polythene is the most common plastic. The annual global production is approximately 80 million tonnes” .

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Still Life

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tuna

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I feared to mention it to the others due to their already having suspicions of me because of what can best be described as ‘certain behaviors’. I can tell you however. Tell you of the fear that gripped me upon reading the label on the cans pictured above. Imagining secretly to myself the horror of wild Trolls swimming in the open North Pacific catching unsuspecting tuna, and then, with their sharp teeth and tremendous hands, viciously ending the lives of each fish with the quick removal of its head.

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A New Day for The Institute

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‘Sunrise at The Institute’ or ‘The Terrifying Approach of Endless Possibilities’ ©2015 The President and Founder All rights reserved

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A new day for The Institute and a new day for you as well. There’s enough to go around, I think. Why that is I won’t imagine, refuse to, though I could, and quite easily I might add, as unbridled terror and the darkest thoughts of man spring easily to my mind daily without the slightest effort. That is why, when you meet me (not that that is likely to ever happen), I can appear somewhat despondent, perhaps even slightly gormless (only slightly, mind you) due to the enormous energy I must always (with every fiber of my being) exert in order to resist the constant onslaught of the unwanted images of a day wholly open to endless possibilities.

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You Got It?

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It’s funny. When I wrote, ‘No Stinky Milk’ on the chalkboard and then turned to my assistant waving the piece of chalk in her face while asking, “You got it”? I did not even think about ‘Big Dairy’s’ advertising campaign which featured the slogan, ‘Got Milk?”, but, now that I do, it’s kind of funny in relation to me asking my assistant, “You got it”?, in regards to my demand that no more stinky milk be brought into my private residence. Those sorts of coincidences happen, I guess. Can’t be helped. What can be helped is no more stinky milk being put in my refrigerator.

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An eyewitness account!

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Well, well, well, would you looky here!

If it isn’t our old chums, The Floating Head and Wilson two of the coolest dudes ever to have had their friendship forged in the fiery furnaces of the abyss of despair and live to tell about it¹. Which is what they’re doing right here for all of you.

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¹ For entertainment purposes only. Neither The Institute for the Study of Slightly Varying Circumstances nor its President and Founder make any guarantees about the accuracy of The Floating Head and Wilson’s description in verse of the place referred to commonly as ‘Hell’.

 

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surnamed Cyclopes

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in all else they were like the gods,

but one eye only was set in the midst of their fore-heads

– The Theogony of Hesiod

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one

.These three brothers served some time in Tartarus before being freed by Zeus who then enlisted their help in kicking some Titan butt in a series of battles, you may heard tell of, called the ‘Titanomachy’.

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Such a blessing as this

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It sure is a blessing to have the master Poetizer return with another amazing Poetization so quickly after coming out of retirement. And, if that wasn’t more than we deserve, He (Jack Horrorchild) has for us written a little something about a current event! That’s right. A kind of opinion piece from, as Jack himself says, “the world’s greatest common tater”! Ha, ha, oh, Jack.

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behavior

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I’d have done more than blast him

if years ago

the band I was in would have ever gotten the break we deserved

and the drummer hadn’t disappeared

after last being seen dressed as a Mexican Vampire

wandering the highway outside of town

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Doot dootala doot

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How long? Too long.

That is the length of time for which we all (every man, woman and child) have waited (at times patiently, and, at other times our anger hardly containable resulting in property damage and loss of life) for the return of The Institute for the Study of Slightly Varying Circumstances very own official Poetizer

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Jack Horrorchild

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look

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Holy shit, man

what the hell?

baby needs a new pair of shoes

wake the fuck up

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I don’t know any other way around it

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I just said that. I mean, just moments ago I said, “I don’t know any other way around it”, and immediately followed those very words with a short laugh that if you were not acquainted with my various laughs you might mistake for a cough. Though, not a cough that would cause concern for your being at risk of catching some God awful disease, but, more like a cough of someone with something caught in their throat.

Anyway, however I laughed it was not at all funny that I saw no way to avoid this thing that lay across my chosen path. So immense was (is and always will be, really) this obstruction that I cannot begin to explain to you what in fact it is. I can’t remember. That is the size of it. So large as to be actually immeasurable. Sure, there are those, maybe you, who could, with the use of numbers and diagrams beyond my comprehending, fashion some estimate of its enormity, and, once having done so haul it out at parties and stand it up in classrooms for much oohing and awing, but, as entertaining as that would no doubt be, it would, in the end, do nothing to show me, or others any way around it.

So, I’ve chosen a spot to sit. Mostly in the shade.

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GREAT SIGNS AND WONDERS: (The Inaugural Post)

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“Unless you people see signs and wonders,” The President and Founder told him, “you will never believe.”

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WHAT IS IT?

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‘GREAT SIGNS AND WONDERS’ is an exciting new series of posts you’ll only be able to find here on what has long been a favorite site of folks who like to take into consideration all manner of things there is every possible chance they wouldn’t have had they not visited.

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HOW DOES IT WORK?

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In the ‘GREAT SIGNS AND WONDERS’ posts a digital image (lovingly composed by The President and Founder) will be presented and it’s significance explained, though, no guarantees are made about your ability to understand.

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WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

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It’s not actually sorcery at all. If you remember a while back I mentioned having been born (like my great grandmother before me) with a caul which, according to some (who’d most likely know), gives the person born with it visions of things most don’t see, such as, in the case of my great grandmother, the ability to foresee train wrecks.

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ARE YOU READY?

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For your sake, I sure hope so, though in the grand scheme of things it hardly matters as the signs and wonders will continue whether you are or not for it has been ordained. Yes, that’s right, you read that correctly, IT HAS BEEN ORDAINED (motherfucker)!

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BIRD FLYING OVER CHINATOWN

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chinabirdIf you feel some small gnawing fear at the prospect of going on stop here and know the true meaning I reveal to you alone that the bird which did and does (for you) now fly over Chinatown represents the soul, or, the eternal spirit (whichever you prefer), of man soaring above, but not abandoning, his past in order to face the unknown future boldly

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ONE

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Struck dumb is what I was and would be for a time lacking any need for exact measurement for it was a moment experienced by those there as to last forever and over in an instant leaving us reeling unaware as to why and incapable of describing it in any but stuttered words punctuated throughout with the ums and ahs so commonly spoken now in what many pray are the last days, but are, I’m afraid, simply mistaken and wishfully thinking aware as they are that the license to freely claim the dog has eaten the homework expired some time ago.

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IN CONCLUSION

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It had been (then) what was least expected even for me who had known it was coming (and made announcements of such to all that would listen), but having been busy with other things (that is, as the dictionary defines: “an object that one need not, cannot, or does not wish to give a specific name to”) forgot all about it and instead remembered vaguely at a point later as if recalling some dream from nights before when due to a very violent storm I did not sleep well at all but lay there for a length of time (I felt no need to measure) considering a wide range of options available to me.

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