In No Uncertain Terms: The Stinky Milk Chronicles

by illimitableoceanofinexplicability

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Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; hold to that which is good.

-Romans 12:9

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In no uncertain terms, that’s exactly how I had long expressed my abhorrence of stinky milk when one morning (after a refreshing full night’s rest) I opened the (German made) refrigerator to find a carton of what could be that very substance staring me right in the face. Now, having had countless experiences similar to this in front of a wide variety of refrigerators in many far flung locales across this globe I was almost 99.9% sure the milk in that carton was going to stink to high heaven, but not being one to ‘fly off the handle’ without first ‘checking the facts’, I took the milk down carefully off the shelf (remembering a horrible incident with a glass milk bottle in Paris some years ago), its polythylene-coated¹ cardboard cold, almost icy, in my hand, and, after folding it open, took a good whiff. Unsurprisingly, as was once said of the Grinch, it stink, stank stunk! So horrendous was its stench (in fact) that I nearly dropped the carton to the floor and ran from the room repeating over and over, “Eww, eww, eww”, while holding my nose with one hand and waving at the air with the other as if the smell were rabid radioactive bats accidentally released from some former Soviet block country’s secret military laboratory. However, having had dealings with milk quite a bit stinkier than even this I merely set the carton down upon the sink and began yelling up the stairs for my assistant to come and dispose of it forthwith.

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Illustration of Stinky Milk

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¹¹ Wikipedia, who mostly can be trusted as far as one can throw an elephant, says “Polyethylene or polythene is the most common plastic. The annual global production is approximately 80 million tonnes” .

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