The Illimitable Ocean of Inexplicability

Month: December, 2014

When the Computer Breaks

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-OR-

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MEAN OLD COMPUTER TAUGHT ME TO WEEP AND MOAN

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HEAR YE, HEAR YE

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Most of you, or, at least some of the chosen few who, while browsing all that the internet has to offer, may take a moment for the purpose of more closely examining this very site hoping, as we all do when coming upon some uncharted corner within the vastness of cyberspace, to gain a higher understanding of ourselves and the others all around us living on this mad and magical planet called Earth. Knowing this about myself, and you (I assume) as well is why I initially hesitated to make my suspicions public out of fear that I may, for possibly the last time, be chasing off those few rugged adventurers who do still dare explore those hidden places not found upon any map. However, as we are all now standing here together, the ferocious waves of that illimitable ocean lashing out over and over again at this last calm shore, there is little choice left but to point a finger, to accuse, and finally, with righteous indignation, to condemn the guilty one to whatever living hell is deemed appropriate.

We can all, after the unpleasantness is over, agree that certain measures had to be taken. That anyone, placed against their will, as we were, in such a situation would have acted the same. That such a crime would be deserving, within any culture, and at any time, of the punishment inflicted by us not, of course, out of revenge, but simply in the service of justice.

It is my dream, my simple hope, in these last dwindling hours of 2014, looking back on the joys and sorrows we have shared, that you who have remained steadfastly at my side, and have not been found guilty of the crimes I have accused each and every one of you of, will again join me for a journey into the mystery of the days that lie ahead in that which has been declared The Year of The Varmint Trap.

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Your Pal,

The President and Founder

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What may be on a cassette tape with a brief history of ‘Poetization’

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Have you ever thought of to yourself, or expressed it to others, either verbally or through the written word, a scenario in which you find a cassette tape, maybe in the back of the drawer of an old desk you’re thinking about purchasing at a second-hand store, or in a box filled with bric-a-brac collected over the years, for God knows what reasons, under the bed of your Great Uncle who mysteriously disappeared about a year ago? I have. I’d actually be kind of surprised if you hadn’t. Though, I don’t know you, and while it seems preposterous to me, it is possible that you have more important things to do all day than sit around day dreaming about nonsense. Or, as is more likely, you just day dream about other things. What those ‘other things’ would be I cannot, nor do I want to imagine, for this post is mine to do with as I see fit, and so will deal primarily with things I find important. If you don’t mind.

Anyway, what follows below the image of a cassette tape (which is not the one I imagined, but only a common cassette tape that was in the possession of the artist, and so, used as a model for the digital image that illustrates this post) is a description of what could be, if I were to find the cassette tape described above, utilizing a style of writing, invented by its possibly only practitioner, known as ‘Poetization’.

As you, no doubt, noted the term ‘Poetization’ contains the well known word, ‘Poet’ which is generally defined as, “a person who writes poems’, that, as you may already be aware, does not described what the person who invented ‘Poetization’ does, or possibly has ever done unless by accident. However, the beloved inventor of this process was fully aware of this fact, and was, as well, quite familiar with those who claim to be lovers of poetry (you know the ones) who can, unfortunately, on occasion, get really uptight about “this shit” as the beloved inventor calls it, and, in order to avoid having to deal with them (because, come on, you know how they can be), and to basically, what you might call, “cover his ass” he did what all great people do and created a new name for his writing.

Well, I think that about covers it, and as I have no wish to take up any more of your precious time I now present to you another fabulous Poetization from the master himself.

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listen

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Our hero, after spending the day snooping around the unoccupied home of his long missing Great Uncle, comes across an old cassette tape with the words ‘Listen at your convenience’ written upon it. Then, in order to listen to whatever may be on the cassette tape, he searches for a player which he finds fairly quickly under a pile of magazines in the back corner of a closet.

I load the cassette tape

pressing play

and wait

and keep waiting

 nothing

nothing at all

pressing stop

I take the cassette tape out

flip it over

and once more

press play

waiting for

something

but

just like the other side

there’s nothing

absolutely nothing

my Great Uncle

was a dick

I’m glad he disappeared

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poet

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It’s not Saturday, and it’s only kind of an apology

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Saturday Apology

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Sorry I haven’t been around, I’ve been out being called a ‘troll’. That’s right! Can you believe it? I couldn’t. In my day (long ago, you know, as Archie Bunker sang, “when men were men”) trolling was known as ‘calling someone on their shit’. It was expected, and while it could very well result in a sock in the nose, no one made it out to be some horrible offense that must be stopped, it just made you a “prick” in the eyes of the person who didn’t like their shit being called out.

Have a look

Here’s the definition of ‘trolling’ from the Urban Dictionary:

“Being a prick on the internet because you can. Typically unleashing one or more cynical or sarcastic remarks on an innocent by-stander, because it’s the internet and, hey, you can.”

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I don’t know if the kids say this anymore, but, in keeping with the Urban Dictionary, I have to say, that definition is ‘weak sauce’. “Innocent by-stander”, really? Someone is just innocently going on their way through the comments section, and is accosted by a “cynical or sarcastic remark”? Ha, ha, ha! Quick, get Human Rights Watch on the phone! Where’s Amnesty International when we need them? Listen, some people aren’t going to agree with you, some who are good at making an argument, but aren’t at all emotionally involved in the subject, are going to challenge you because, like the definition says, “hey, you can”. If the person doing this can only call you names and, or string together profanities then you can scream “troll” all you want! But, don’t go whining about people calling you on your shit. Instead, try it yourself! Do it! Call someone on their shit! If it’s posted publicly it’s fair game. That’s the internet, it’s like the old west, and you’re either one of the cowering townsfolk or a pale rider wreaking vengeance upon the nonsense. Remember though, don’t do a half assed job of it, try to avoid profanity unless it’s essential, and for God’s sake, show some pride in your work!

keep on trolling!

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“Stop the Presses”! he cried

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“He cried”? Is that right? Seems alright to me, I guess. I mean, if I were to have been a newspaperman back when one would have called out for the presses to be stopped I probably would have done it in a way that could be described as a ‘cry’. Hold on…yeah, the dictionary says ‘cried’ can mean, ‘to call loudly; shout; yell (sometimes followed by out)’, so, sure, I think it totally fits the situation I’m imagining.

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The President and Founder requests the pleasure of your company

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Evidence of an ALL CAPS ASSAULT upon Best Friend by Kanye

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“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Winston Churchill

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kanye

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All Purpose

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The sad part is, many are going to miss this post. Probably most will miss it because of inebriation from alcoholic beverages, while others will be so mesmerized by the thought, and, or sight of all the many presents they’re going to receive that their attention for anything else will be unavailable until well after they are exhausted from viciously tearing away all remnants of wrapping paper from the objects of their desire. Oh, well, can’t be helped, I guess, and some people just aren’t going to get the help they need, especially if they aren’t watching this site like a hawk. Maybe you and I can’t make people do the right thing  no matter how hard we try. We just have to leave it up to the Spirits. They did it for Scrooge after all. However, if the Spirits don’t visit you tonight, feel free to read the comment below anytime you feel it’s needed.

your pal,

The President and Founder

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Of course it goes without saying, something must be done, and, no doubt, it will be (unless there is a cataclysmic event affecting the very fabric of the universe), however, the question remains of what that ‘something’ exactly should be, not what the ‘something’ will be, for no one can foresee future events with any certainty, though, it is possible, I believe, to help create future outcomes, or, at least to make their occurrence more likely, and, therefore, the ‘something to be dones’, if you will, that we have to choose from should be weighed carefully against one another, as well as judged upon their own merits before we make a final selection.

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I was going to totally give you guys a piece of my mind, but what with it being Christmas and all…

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I originally, early this morning while madly typing away, was going to call this post

What in the heck* is wrong with you people?!

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and then, I thought to myself, “It’s the Holiday season, I can let these people’s failings slide for a day or two, there will be plenty of time later to point out their mistakes and misunderstandings, right now is all about good cheer”. That’s really what I thought. If you would like to know what I was typing feel free to read below, though I warn you, it’s quite harsh, and may not be easily made sense of, nor would you care to bother, if you know what I’m saying.

Merry Christmas

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frank and myr

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I didn’t want to throw it right in your face, but, I also knew that many of you would probably guess immediately that what I really meant to use was ‘hell’ in the above title, as in, “What in the hell is wrong with you people”?!, but, what with Christmas so near at hand, and it’s original purpose being the celebration of the birth of the Savior in the little town of Bethlehem, I thought it would be the proper thing to maybe curb my swearing a bit. That’s not to say I’m not really sore at you all, oh, no, not by a long shot, not by, as my grandfather ( a decorated soldier in the United States Army, a regular volunteer within his community, a good provider for his wife and children, etc…) would say, “Not by a country mile”. No, sir, or Ma’am, I’m angry, fuming, really, irate, I mean, I could strangle you. Not that I would, but, I could, and, from what I hear on the television that’s no easy feat for someone even if they’re as unreasonably full of anger as I am. In fact, no one, not the most holy of men atop a mountain, or a streetwise sort of sweaty preacher would even blink an eye at me cussing you all up and down if they knew the reasons behind it. And, yes, I meant, ‘reasons’. Nope, it’s not just one thing, sorry, it’s a bunch, so many I don’t even know where to begin.

Let’s see, where to start? Well, if you were able, and maybe you are, maybe you have certain computer skills I can’t even imagine, and you can peer right into my private world and see the absolutely pathetic state of my Trophy Case, and, when sneaking a peek at its sad empty shelves you laugh as anyone would who wasn’t a complete of a failure as I obviously am. However, I think if you were to give this a once over from my perspective you’d see that the lack of trophies in my case has more to do with you not stepping up than with me providing quality material to be commended for. So, basically, the long and short of it is, you’re not pulling your weight. When’s the last time you liked one of my posts? When’s the last time you just clicked on my site over and over sending the stats skyrocketing, making it look, to me at least, that someone, or someones, are going absolutely ga-ga over my offerings here upon this humble blog? It’s probably been too long. So, as a gift to me, it is Christmas after all, and, as a gift to yourself, a present full of laughter, love, darkness, despair, hope and renewal, spend some time looking around here, you deserve it.

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Hey, listen, I know it’s kinda late, but…

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I know most of you, not already sound asleep, have probably already imbibed enough alcohol to kill a ship full of sailors, but, if you could focus for just a minute I’ll treat you to the latest installment of The Floating Head and Wilson. This is probably going to be it until after Christmas, so, you better get your fix now because it won’t be as readily available as the booze you’ll be knocking back for the next few days.

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floatinwilsontrapafterlife

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Hark, The President and Founder sings…

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In

2015

prepare

to have

your imagination

captured!

(humanely of course)

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