The President and Founder’s Thanksgiving Epistle to (the) Infinitely Remote

by illimitableoceanofinexplicability

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Do you ever receive comments? Of course you do, these days, who doesn’t? They are a dime a dozen, mostly, though every now and again you find a comment waiting in moderation that, while not renewing your hope for humanity or anything, does provide you an opportunity, along with answering any questions the commenter may have had, to go on, and on, for as long as you’d care to, about all kinds of other things, such as, for example: whatever crosses your mind. This is exactly what I have attempted to achieve with my reply to infinitelyremote who did, most generously, leave a comment (included below) on a post of mine titled ‘Hey, everybody, it’s what we used to call in my day “A blast from the past” which means something from a long time ago that you may have given no thought to recently! Anyway, here’s a replica of the Political Art I was talking about in my last post!’ .

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infinitelyremote’s comment

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Maybe I should not have clicked “Like” on this one… might put me on some sort of list… That is the problem of reading a blog from back to front; your previous post may have given explicit instructions to NOT like the next post and here I am “liking” Reagan as the antichrist due to the “number of his name.”
It’s not like I can now “Un-Like” this post; besides, would “pure evil” have ever said “A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.” – I think not… (but hey, I could be wrong… I’m reading a blog from back to front… what do I know?)

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The President and Founder’s reply

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“Certain Forces”. That’s what I call those groups or individuals who put people on lists. I’ve had my fair share of dealings with them in the past, and probably will again in the future. To tell you the truth, I have found, time after time, that the most effective way of dealing with “Certain Forces” is to say “It’s all just a big misunderstanding” over and over again. It’s like an incantation. It breaks them, breaks them so completely that they immediately strike your name from not only their list, but from any and all lists either being kept at that time, kept in the past, and even those to be kept in the future. Yes, in the future, they make it so your name will never ever appear on any list for the rest of eternity. I don’t know how they do it, but they do, believe me, I’ve seen their work first hand remember? They are  not called ‘Certain Forces’ for nothing, for gods sake take my advice just this one time, and repeat after me “It’s all just a big misunderstanding”.

I was going to let your mention of former President Reagan’s comment on hippies pass unremarked upon, but, feeling I owed it to everyone to set the record straight about various rumors that have been going around about me, I have no choice but to address it. You see, years ago in a public speaking class I made a presentation titled “Reagan: Is he still sexy at seventy?” which in itself was enough to raise the hackles of the other young people in the room, but then, when I went on to show definitively that he was, without a doubt, still sexy at seventy they were ready to tear me to pieces. Luckily, the laws being what they were at the time I came to no physical harm, but did find myself publically humiliated and ostracized so thoroughly that had I had access to firearms there, well, let’s just say, there would have been trouble. So, sad and alone, without any recourse to revenge, I began writing to various publications, both local and national, hoping to convince them of the sexiness of President Reagan. None of them ever responded, but, through the grapevine I heard People Magazine was going to start naming the sexiest man alive in an upcoming issue which did, for a short time, cause me to have some hope for the public recognition of what I knew already to be true.. Unfortunately, on February 4th 1985, People Magazine made the horrible mistake of proclaiming the first ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ to be Mel Gibson instead of the then President which to this day I have been unable to forgive them for, and as well, was so angered by at the time of its occurrence that I started a grass roots movement to boycott the magazine which, for reasons I won’t go into, failed miserably.

That said, I do want it to be known that neither then was I, nor now am I in any way what can be considered a fan of President Ronald Wilson Reagan. However, his comment on hippies that you mention, I must admit, I was not in the past, and am not now in complete disagreement with. For, you see, when Reagan was in office, although I studied his sexiness it was merely an academic exercise, I like many of my fellow young people detested him as a matter of course. Yet, at the same time, perhaps due to societal forces that did hold sway over some young people at the time, such as ‘punk rock music’, and/or, the normal desire of all youngsters to rebel against all that came before them, I, on countless occasions, was known to say “Fucking hippies”, as well as “Dirty hippies” under a variety of circumstances and with little to no provocation. Eventually my dislike, maybe even my hatred, of “stinking hippies” (another one I used frequently) became so intense that when driving around town mindlessly for hours with my friends I would, when spotting a hippy on the street, yell loudly “60’s reject” followed by whooping or raucous laughter. It wasn’t right, I guess, but I don’t feel bad about it, they were fucking hippies after all.

Well, thanks for the comment. It has allowed me to go into a lot of things that have been left too long unsaid, clear the air as it were. I was so afraid of losing followers, and reliving those dark days when people hated me merely for pointing out that a President of the United States could be sexy that I kept it all bottled up inside. No more though, no more, this is me, this is just how I am. I do hope you can deal with it, I hope everyone can deal with it, but, if not, well, then it’s your loss, you fucking dirty stinking hippies.

-The President and Founder

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