This was before you knew him: An open letter to whom it may concern

by illimitableoceanofinexplicability

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“Jack Horrorchild? He’s an aspiring poet”

– The President and Founder

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Editor’s note: What follows definitely qualifies as ‘kind of long’, and, though not listed in any of the major periodicals that track this all too common phenomena, it is considered by some to have ‘little or no discernible purpose’.
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THOUGHTEl rey ha muerto, ¡viva el rey!

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Jack Horrorchild? He’s an aspiring poet

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That was my reply when I was asked, years ago, if I knew anything about Jack Horrorchild. Back then most would have answered with a, “Who?” or an, “Excuse me?”, but not me, no, I had long been making the rounds through some of the lesser known blogs situated in the far flung reaches of the internet where up and comers were honing their craft to a razors edge in almost complete obscurity. At that time if you dared venture onto any of these sites there was no end to the treasures to be found, and unlike on most of these new blogs there was no just leaving a comment only to have it buried under a hundred other comments, and if responded to at all only given a barely polite, “thanks, man”, or some other non-committal bullshit reply. No, if you commented, those bastards were all over you like white on rice. Oh, man, Horrorchild could be the worst. You’d just leave some innocuous comment like “Nice verbiage, brother” and that motherfucker would take it as an opportunity to type out a god damn novel. And, on top of that, it would be one of those novels that you have to sometimes turn sideways, or upside down to read, or that has a couple alternate endings, or a bunch of blank pages at the end with instructions telling you to write your own ending. It was fucking maddening. I guess you could have just let it be, and not replied back, but, hell, you kind of felt sorry for the guy, and so you responded with a, “no problem” and then, without fail, the whole damn thing started all over again spinning like an out of control carousel in the middle of an old folks home.

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Spinning like an out of control carousel in the middle of an old folks home

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That is to say, Horrorchild would, yet again, leave one of those long rambling up and down dizzying nobody wants to even hear it won’t he ever shut up replies he has since been identified as an inveterate perpetrator of, but back then not enough people were even aware of him, let alone wanting to take the time to properly vilify him for it. Yeah, there were a few of those uptight people fond of using fascist looking symbols for their supposedly ‘helping the world’ ideology who burn on the inside with such ferocity that if they ever actually got any power you and a million others who make the mistake of refusing to bend to their will would find yourselves up against the wall or standing over a hastily dug trench before you knew what happened. But, that is, as Jack Horrorchild himself often said, “just the way some people are”.

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Just the way some people are

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They want to rule you, the people I mentioned, they really do. I am not joking. Jack, though, he doesn’t have any interest in ruling you or in making sure you do the right thing, or his thing, or even if you do anything at all. I don’t know why this is. You’d have to ask him, I’m not particularly interested. I can tell you this, he wouldn’t mind it at all, time permitting, because Jack is acutely aware of the time constraints we’re all under in this hectic 21st century world, if you found just a moment to read over one of his offerings. Consider it carefully. Maybe read it a couple times. Ponder it. Wonder at the magic, or commiserate with him about the unfairness of it all. Whatever the words he graciously offers as a gift to you, embrace them, get to know them intimately, speak them to others, let them light the way.

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– The President and Founder

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