Who would dare wish to know?

by illimitableoceanofinexplicability

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I did, but, that’s just me, a maverick out on the dangerous edges, exploring the dark corners, looking into stuff, stuff most of you would just rather not know about. No judgements. I don’t have the time, and besides, that’s for someone else (or is it “something else”!) to do. Plus, to be honest, I don’t care what you do. However, that does not mean I don’t have compassion for you and your constant wondering about what might be your fate after you kick the bucket. That’s why I invented this handy little gadget, this marvelous machine of man’s making, this tool for telling (with amazing accuracy) where you, where anyone who dares wish to know, will be spending eternity, I call it

“THE AFTERLIFE DETERMINATION DEVICE”

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It was some few years back when I was working in The Land of the Unfriendly that while cutting up old growth trees I had the first notion about the possibility of somehow measuring whatever there was to measure in order to tell for sure where one was destined to be delivered unto upon their demise. I didn’t whisper a word of this to anyone, but instead, during my free hours, in the dead of night, worked ceaselessly until I had succeeded in my quest to pull away the black curtain that separates life from death, the known from the unknown.

Upon completion of THE AFTERLIFE DETERMINATION DEVICE I at once realized that it must be tested in private before offering it to the waiting world. In order to do this I would need a test subject whose fate after they were dead was already guaranteed by the one who rules in this world and the world we can’t see, and so, naturally, the first test subject was me.

Without a hitch. That is how the testing went. After donning a ceremonial dressing gown, and covering my feet with the Sacred Socks, I laid back upon the purple chaise lounge,  while my assistant waved the device over the length of my entire being  resulting, within seconds, in the device indicating the correct location of my eternal habitation.

Oh, the joy I felt, not in the confirmation of where it was my soul would be bound, but in the success of my magnificent machine in determining what outcome this mortal life would lead to . Unfortunately, my excitement was short lived when, while readying myself for my nightly slumber, there was a commotion at the window. Throwing back the heavy curtains I was startled momentarily to see the visage of the one who rules in this world and in the world we cannot see. It had been years since last we stood face to face on a cold night in December under the Arc de triomphe, and though he looked a little tired he did not seem to have aged a day. Holding one finger to his lips, with his other hand pressed against my chest he looked about as if checking to see that we were indeed alone, and then quietly he spoke. His words I cannot describe for they thunder in marvelous ways, they strip bare the forests, they come out of the midst of the fire and are upon the waters, and, and, and, you just couldn’t handle it, let’s just leave it at that. The long and short of it is that he didn’t want people to know for sure what was to become of their immortal souls. It seemed like a bad idea to him. He said something along the line of “they can’t be trusted to behave properly”. Anyway, per his instruction, I have locked up THE AFTERLIFE DETERMINATION DEVICE in a vault made of the strongest Adamantium only to be unlocked on that day, the day whose date was told to me by the one who rules in this world, and in the world you cannot see, but which I soon forgot, when the trumpets will sound and, well, that will be that.

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addThe President and Founder undergoing afterlife determination

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add1The Afterlife Determination Device

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add4Never published advertisement for The Afterlife Determination Device

 

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I want to know

by

J. Tang Wilmington III

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Atop the lonely summit

with arms upraised I asked

what be my fate

in the hereafter

will it be

to suffer

in a den of demons

or

to picnic

in a lovely park-like setting

eating sandwiches

with Grandma

and Grandpa

and

my Uncle

who died defending freedom

(he loves Frisbee golf, there will be Frisbee golf, won’t there?)

I really wish

you had not made a deal

with

The President and Founder

to keep us from knowing

You’re dumb!

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